# 139

Sometimes, I just can’t get my head around the fact that we do not have a child.  We. do. not. have. a. child.

Wow.

5 years.  18 cycles.  4 pregnancies.  Dead babies.

Unbelievable.  I’m just not sure how I process this.  Can I process this?  Pretty much every single person around me (both in real life and online) who has had difficulty now has a healthy, living, breathing child.  At least one, often more.  There’s very few of us left now - members of this club of women who have had repeated failures.  Over and over and over. 

Wow.

What now?

I have no. fucking. idea.

I really don’t.

# 138

World’s worst blogger just checking in!

The out of blog sign is going up for a few days (Yep I know - should have been up for ages!) - my folks are here and we’re heading off for a few days, hopefully to see some snow and relax and eat and drink and just have a lovely time being together.

I owe you photos of my car and hair and the Bali story, but think of all the fabulous things we’ve got to look forward to!

I am so chronically behind on blog reading, commenting and returning emails - please forgive me as I spend some time away from the blog, most nights I can’t even bear to turn the fucking thing on. 

*smooches*  I love you guys so very, very much.  x

# 137

Some things that make me feel good:

• A shiney brand new car.  Mmmmmm that smell…..
• Flash new hair do eliminating all traces of those grey fuckers.
• Booking holiday to Bali.

All of this in one day.  Is good.

# 136

I’ve drafted countless witty, interesting posts in my head - but now I’m staring at the screen all my wit and humour has abandoned me and I’m not at all interesting.  So you should probably go read someone else’s blog, or pluck your eyebrows, or something like that….

There was the post about our adoption worker who called me because they’d misplaced our profile for local adoption, which was submitted in September of last year.  This of course made me angry and hopeful - angry that if there were any local adoptions in our state our profile would not have been presented (I doubt there was any local placements, but still); and hopeful that maybe someone was interested in us and maybe maybe maybe….  Of course nothing eventuated, and they’d lost our profile.

There was another post about my job and all associated rantings.  But then the company I work for redeemed themselves by ordering me a nice shiny new car which I should get in a couple of weeks, and we all know how I like nice shiny new things so I’m happy again.

I mentally wrote a riveting post about the clairvoyant I visited (yes, really!) and how I came away experiencing an inexplicable range of emotions - hope, fear, sadness - yet a prevailing intuition that I’d just spent $80 on half an hour of notverymuch.  And then how I felt that I just had to do what she told me or I’d jinx myself yet again and we’d never have a baby.

Or the post about my sister and my niece’s christening and how I’m her Godmother but I was unable to go as I had hardly any notice whatsoever and I hate that I missed it and my sister is the biggest narcissist on the planet who drives me batshit crazy.

And still there’s more.  But I just can’t be bothered - I’ve got this prevailing avoidance issue with the computer, and the more behind I get on reading and commenting the more I avoid it altogether.  I totally suck.  I really do.

# 135

I hate this time of year.  It’s cold, frosty and I’m exhausted and flu-ey.

But the worst part is the should have been’s and the what might have been’s.

Last week we should have celebrated the third birthday of identical little girls.  Pigtails and pink cupcakes.  We should be planning a 2nd birthday party for a little boy and girl, with grubby fingers, chocolate frogs and much screeching and running around.

Today is my grandmother’s birthday.  Tomorrow is 11 years since she died, and not a day goes by when I don’t miss her, her bawdy humour and unashamed favouritism of me.  What a woman.

In a couple of weeks it will be 9 years since my cousin and his wife died in a tragic accident overseas. 

They all walk with me.  Always.

# 134

I hope I don’t sound all mysterious and spooky if I say I’m living inside my own head of late.  It’s kind of nice here, and taking some time away from the both the real and cyber worlds has been cathartic.  If my workload wasn’t so hectic I’d be mighty tempted to take just a few more days off……

–

AF arrived this week and as usual kicked my butt.  We were going to cycle but in the end I decided to put me first.  I’m joining a ladies gym and committed to looking after my health for a few months first, which I have rarely done.  It’s as if my life revolves around family-building, I need to work on M-building and marriage building and health; including physical, mental and emotional.  I must lose some weight - because I want to wear all the clothes that are in storage, run with my dog and feel good about me.

–

And now, some things that make me smile -

 

 

Hope they make you smile too.

–

Much love to you all….  x

# 133

*tap tap tap*  Is this thing on?

Again, I grovel at your feet with apologies for my lack of blogging and commenting - I sound like a broken record don’t I?

I seem to be absolutely involved in myself and the crap surrounding my life.  I’m having some ‘away from the poota’ time - grief and despondency lie on my chest like a lead weight, and I feel so fucking left behind it’s not funny.  It hurts.

I’m having a week off work and going away for a few days.  Not a big flash holiday, just away to do something I really need to do and then I’ll come home for a couple more days r&r.  I need space.

–

It’s cold.  I hate the cold.  Blech - sucky old Winter.

–

Look at the parcel that arrived and brightened my day!

The gorgeous SkyGirl sent me a parcel of Canadian goodness!  Yay!  I made myself feel sick after we ate nearly the whole bag of Bites, but man they are gooooooood….. 

–

Um, as for NaComLeavMo - I kinda flunked.  But I promise I’ll organise my life and my thoughts over the next couple of weeks and be back with a vengeance!

*smooches*

 

# 132

No no no no no.  How does this happen? 

I am speechless.  I want to curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry for 2 precious babies that the world failed.

# 131

Once again, a zillion apologies for my lack of posting and commenting.

Right now there’s some stuff going on in my real life that relegate blogging to the bottom of the pile.  Professionally I’ve been so busy and distracted that I don’t think of much else, and personally I’ve got some stuff going on that’s not bloggable.  Nothing bad or horrible or depressing or anything, but stuff that I don’t want to blog about because I feel that maybe you’ll think differently of me - and I would hate that even though I don’t think I’ve met one of you in the flesh!  Maybe one day, but in the meantime please excuse my absence.

*smooches*

 

# 130

Now the wheels have totally fallen off and I’m so far behind on posts, Show & Tell, NaComLeavMo, my work (8 reports need writing), my ironing and my housework that I’m overwhelmed.

Oh well.  It won’t go anywhere.

My mil is here and has been for approximately 51 hours.  Only a few to go.  Thank Gawd.